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How to lose an election in 10 ways

Published: 
Thursday, August 6, 2015

Kevin Baldeosingh

The People’s National Movement and the United National Congress are fighting tooth and nail for the opportunity to serve the people, govern the nation and tief the Treasury. Since I am this country’s leading unpaid political analyst, I am today listing the policies which each party must strenuously avoid if they want to win by a landslide that will bury every rational and principled citizen, and good riddance too.

1. The Government shall no longer sponsor prizes for private fetes, including Soca Monarch, Soca Brass, Soca Chutney, Chutney Soca, and Soca Soca. Instead, fete promoters will have to depend on ticket sales and private sector sponsorship, like real entrepreneurs. The Government shall only sponsor events for which there is a small but vocal audience who don’t want to pay for tickets, like steelband concerts, provided such shows are not held during the rainy season when the people can hear rain on galvanise for free. In respect to the Parade of the Bands, only bands with a costume mark-up of less than 3,000 per cent shall be eligible for prizes. Judging criteria for the Calypso Monarch shall be changed to include more than two octaves, lyrics that rhyme rather than pretend to rhyme, and a tune.

2. Gay persons shall have the same rights as persons. A “person” is defined as anyone who is born and, in the case of Catholic homosexuals, a fertilised gay ovum.

3. Anyone is allowed to claim they can cure diabetes and cancer and Aids, once they attach a disclaimer that they have no scientific or factual basis for such claims. Alternatively, they may claim that all diseases can be cured, once they admit that they are lying through their yellow teeth. Anyone with a “doctorate” in naturopathy or other bogus qualifications, who poses as a medical doctor by referring to themselves as Doctor Saywhat or Dr Pickup and Doctor Fatfat, will be sentenced to ten years in jail, during which they will be forced to adhere to their own dietary advice with regular colon cleansings.

4. No adult shall have the right to have sex with a child, even if they are married under Muslim or Hindu or Orisa or Flying Spaghetti Monster rites.

5. No funds will be disbursed to the Emancipation Support Committee until the ESC submits audited accounts giving a breakdown of how last year’s $4 million was spent. Items must include salaries paid to Committee committee members, their spouses and children. Expenses should include the cost of new dashikis, headwraps and libations for the ancestors. Payments to Ogun and similar entities must be listed under “Intangibles,” while expenses for African hair products must be listed under “Untangleables.” Costs for feature speakers will be pro rata, with an upper limit of no more than ten false facts per lecture. Production costs for dramatic re-enactments should include trauma insurance for bad writing in the language of the oppressor.

6. Public servants who fail to submit audited accounts annually shall march through the streets with placards saying “We didn’t do our numbers, so we have bad figures.”

7. No government functions shall be held on the premises of religious buildings, unless a Government Minister urgently needs to relieve himself. In that case, a full report must be made, including a statistical analysis demonstrating that said Minister does not favour any particular denomination when performing his functions, whether bodily or spiritually. State funding for religious facilities shall be allocated according to attendance, not census data, and shall not include believers who fornicate, eat pork or beef, or wear clothes of different threads.

8. No MP shall read their contributions in the Lower or Upper House, unless permitted to do so by the Speaker or Senate President, both of whom shall roll their eyes when granting this privilege.

9. All curricula for primary and secondary schools shall henceforth be based on facts. People on school premises may not tell children that Adam and Eve were the first human beings; that the universe was hatched from a cosmic egg; or that mountains prevent earthquakes. The Concordat will be revamped to ensure that denominational schools can only choose 20 per cent of students who belong to their religion, aren’t rich, and whose parents will not file lawsuits when critiqued for being unfashionable.

10. The Constitution will be changed to give Kevin Baldeosingh the same rights as citizens who believe they have an Invisible Friend who stops them raping, robbing and murdering. 

Email: [email protected]
Kevin Baldeosingh in a professional writer, author of three novels and co-author of a history textbook.

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